Grief is defined as a response to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died or to which an attachment has been formed but grief does not have to be limited to a loss through death. Grief can be associated with the loss of a relationship, a pet, a job, health, etc. Grief can also be broken down into physical, cognitive, behavioral, cultural, spiritual, social, philosophical and economical aspects.

Loss can shape who we are. It can change our view of the world. The first loss I experienced was the death of my grandmother when I was nine years old. My mother just learned last year that I cried every day at school when my grandmother died. I didn’t want to go to school because I worried about my mother all day. I carried a heaviness for both of us. I felt helpless and we never talked about my grandmother’s death or how we were grieving and feeling. My mom never knew how I grieved as a child until recently.

I lost a friend to suicide in early 2000. I held onto guilt for 23 years until I finally learned how to release it. When my cousin Tiffany died in 2005, I was angry. I lashed out at work. I couldn’t sleep. I lost weight and my hair came out. I went to a therapist who addressed my “stress”. My therapist did not call it grief. My cousin had just died suddenly, killed instantly. I left my job abruptly and I ended a long-term relationship two months after she died. I wasn’t just stressed, I was grieving.

I met my dear friend Allen because of my cousin’s death. It was eight months after Tiffany died, at a Christmas party. Allen made me laugh again. When he died at the start of the pandemic, I had just endured two significant deaths four months earlier. The sudden death of my friend, Glenn, who lived across the street from me for eight years and the death of my best friend’s younger brother, Sport, who died from cancer. Glenn and Sport died two days apart so when Allen died four months later, I had no clue where or how to hold space for that grief. When my brother came to my home to tell me that Allen had died, I remember asking him, “What do you want me to do with that? I really don’t know what to do with what you just told me.” 

Grief does not look the same for any two people. Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Some grieve silently while others express their grief openly. There are no rules for the grieving process. The recent changes in our world have left the majority of us exposed and vulnerable to grief. Whether we are grieving the loss of a loved one, or the loss of a life or lifestyle once lived, the recent times have brought about changes for us all through sudden and unavoidable mourning and isolation.